this is me

IM SO SICK OF THE BUREAUCRATIC BULLSHIT WAY THIS COUNTRY RUNS. its ineffective and a royal fucking pain. everyone should be fucking fired so we can weed out all these worthless uneccessary government agencies that just employ idiot and lazy ass ppl. everydepartment has like 35000 different organizations working under it, against it, repeating and complicating any simple action. everyone is fucking clueless as to wat needs to be done and how to perform their sorry excuse for a job. most of it is just paperfiling which NO ONE seems qualified enough to FILE. SO ANNOYED. these people are wats wrong with our financial situation. they are just fat idiots sitting at a desk sucking up a huge amount of the taxpayers hard earned money. fire these dipshits and use our money for something good like financial aid for students so that less and less uneducated idiots are available for these positions. computers were invented for a reason. dont believe me? walk into the dmv.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

No

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

[Chorus]
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

ok wtf. for a girl who had like a nervous breakdown a few hours ago im feeling reall freaking good. god i wanted to die a few hrs ago. still dont have my car back and the only thing ive eaten in three days is 2 tortillas and a half a jar of peanut butter. i couldnt even stand up in the shower i was so overcome with fatigue. so i take a taxi today to go get money so i can at least get some fucking food delivered and the place was closed!! wtf!! so i have the cab guy turn all the way around and go like 10 something fucking blocks down to the grocery store and the bitch took forever and a day. meanwhile i had all these creepy mexican kids staring me down and i wanted to shoot the bitch who was fucking with the register tape for like 10 minutes. i had to call n cancel my delivery bc it was taking too long and i guess the idiot receptionist didnt tell the idiot driver so i had him calling me 3 times asking me to open the gate. didnt understand "CANCEL ORDER. PORFAVOR!" this country is overrun with broken english mexicans. if ur guna jump the border learn fucking english so at least your actually BENEFITING the country. oye. and to make it all more stressful i had this photographer surprise call me and try n talk to me about setting up a shoot date and rambling about some website blocking his models?? i dunno i think he could tell i wasnt even in the conversation, cuz i nearly cut him short and said id call him tomorro. i hope he didnt take it personal bc hes a PHENOMINAL photographer... so a 30 fucking dollar cab ride later (mind u it would have take 30 seconds to drive) im back at home stressed as a mother fuck and no longer hungry. thats when it hit me. i just slumped down on the floor and balled my eyes out for at least 20 minutes straight just cursing everything in my life. i decided then and there that i quit. quit everything. that i was up and moving. forget this fucking place. forget la and all the shittyness in it. forget jason and his mind games, fuck my selfish friends, fuck the law enforcement and the 3 years its bullshitted with my life and license, and most importantly FUCK LA!! you wouldnt believe how sick this town is. i was done. i had already applied for the abroad program in italy. 3 months and 3 cities. but fuck it, why not go for the whole year?? suddenly it made so much sense to me. so in effort to calm down i try calling mom- twice. no answer. all i wntd to do was hear her voice and comfort. then i grab a smoke and check my voicemails. id forgotten my dad called a yesterday. he left me a msg saying he was in westlake at mediterraneo with sammie. he said he missed me and wanted to go out to breakfast b4 he left today. then sammie got on the phone all sweet and happy hoping everything was great. the waterworks sprung up again. i wished they were still here today so i could be with them and just cry about how hard it is to be completely alone and get a nice dinner, some hugs, and good wine to chill my ass out. i almost called him right then but it was dinner time and as sad as it is i really cant even tell him about any of the things going on right now. more explaining than i was willing to do at the moment. besides i was trying to feel better not worse right?? ugh then fucking jason calls me randomly just to say he ate at some good soup place like a few blocks from my house. the convo lasted like 3 seconds. when i hung up im just like wtf?? is he serious right now?? i have made zero effort in contacting him- for a reason! he fucks too much with my head and caused way more emotional damage than my father was ever capable of. hell call me every few days or txt just to say the stupidest shit. i dnt get it. "can i have ur dog one day? i miss her. ya sure jason. ok cool bye...." "can stella play with harley sometime this week? ya sure jason. k cool bye..." "hey im on my way to a super bowl party. got two other to go to later. you kno its funn. everyone calls me partyboy now bc i party so much. i thot to myself 'hey christen has so much fun doing it why shouldnt i?'" good for u j!! im glad after fighting with me for 3 years telling me my lifestyle is looked down upon and how no respectable girl would act like me- that you finally figured out how to be a COMPLETE HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE!! honestly what does he get out of these pointless conversations??? its annoying. so i finally reem him out telling him to stop acting like an idiot and pretending that this is a friendship. the other nite last week when he came over and was drunk we both said and DID alot of things. his were ultra confusing. all i said was how his games needed to stop. i couldnt deal anymore. im 21 looking for a life partner. not 17 in high school contributing to all to the gossip about wat happened now. this last time he fucked me really hard. and not in the slightest of a good way. i asked if hed rather have me wake up in 3 yrs nxt to him or someone else... his responses were a little of both. repeating over n over about how there is somethings he doesnt like about me. (things that he contributes too all too much but never sticks around long enough to actually getting around to fixing them...) but yet he wants to be friends and work on it...and how he did want to be together til death do us part. mind u he was shitfaced at the time and just looking for ass. i dont get it. someone explain his train of thot to me...so he pulls his classic "well talk but not now bc u dont want to talk to me right now." haha code for "im going to goa in a couple hrs so i dnt want to waste my game face right now talking with u." angry my ass. i can read u better than an open book sometimes stomel. i didnt even want to deal with it then anyways. i despised the phone at that moment and sick of feeling shitty about myself. i didnt need some "im holier than thou" guy make me feel worse. i get online and start slowly chipping away at the list of new bands that i wanted to download and searched for new ones. had a wrestle session with puppy for a good half hr and it made me feel alot better. i got like 35 msgs on my modelmayhem acct today. two really great photographers contacted me for shoots this month. so stoked. so i booked those. one on the 13th for a tight romantic/glam shoot and the other for Allen Edwards salon in brentwood on the 20 or 27th i forget. my photos will be hanging from huge light boxes at the salon. PLUS i get tons of free services from one of the best salons in so cal. my hair def needs it. i think im guna stay brunette for awhile. add some highlights, extensions and ride it out for awhile. the only reason i wanted to go back blonde so soon was bc jason wouldnt stop complaining. well screw him, he doesnt like me how i am anyways wtf should i go thru the torturous process of bleaching it out back blonde?? i think i look more edgy brunette anyways. also i heard back again from the fidm girls that ive been conversing with over moving to hermosa. i wrote her back but i feel bad bc i could potentially be going abroad soon anyways. it wouldnt be until september but still. i should think about this more. i def want to go abroad, and i think im guna do it. but prob for only the 3 month prog. its hella expensive tho. cost me almost my whole freakin tuition for the year. anyways so after playing around on modelmayhem and finding alot of old friends and cool ppl to work with i felt alot better. i think as long as i keep myself busy, turn my back on those that deserve it, and focus on the things that make me happy and ill be ok. hopefully. Modeling is my numero uno amor. if i could drop school and be a famous victorias secret model then id be the happiest person on earth. (hah right?!?) so im going to pursue it more this time. while trying to balance school and an internships... and working out almost everyday. on the upside of starvation ive already lost like 4 lbs. pretty good for 3 days. only anuther 12 to go...focus focus focus. i cant loose myself like that again. that was the worst feeling ever. i cant imagine still feeling like that right now. feeling like the world is over. that the light at the end of the tunnel isnt even visible and not even being able to imagine how much farther u have to go to see it. id prob have gone out and gotten ridiculously drunk and never came to this realization about my life. whew. that was a close one. for today at least.... ugh i hope i can get to bed b4 5am tonite for once. that would be good.


I'm throwing away pictures
That i never should have taken in the first place
And it's cold in my apartment
As i'm changing all the colors
From the brightest reds to grays

Well it's 3 o'clock on monday morning
I'm just hoping you're not seeing his face
I've been getting calls in these hotel rooms
Long enough to know that it was him
That took my place

And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And i'm burning all the letters
Hoping that i might forget him and his good taste
That he left when he was leaving me
A life of barely breathing as he walked
Out of this place

And you dropped the note and we changed key
You changed yourself and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse

And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home

Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
I knew it would...
I knew it would...

Take me home
I'd rather die than be with you
Take me home
You have a problem with the truth
Take me home
Because this happens every time
And i knew it would...
I knew it would...

And i hope this makes you happy now
That the flame we had is burning out
And i hope you like your pictures facing down
As even broken hearts may have their doubts

And i'm taking all your memories off the shelf
And i don't need you or anybody else
So take a look at me
See what you want to see
When you get home

UGH!!!!!! you aggravate the fucking shit outta me you know that?!?!?! your dense and rude. if i could id drop u right now. but ur too self centered and egotistical to even notice or care!! god. SCREW. YOU.

Time to go, this is goodbye she said.
Does it ever get easier, live like this.
And, kiss the cheek- I can't kiss you anymore.
And I, I would honestly love you now,
but I would lovingly let you down.

Oh, I have the hardest time resisting you.
And oh, if you, if you feel the same:
(WAIT) Then how can we be friends.
He's right you know, we can't go on like this.
And oh, I try to give you everything.
And if I fail well then i failed
but at least I gave you something.

I can put my trust in giving up the heart-
if it makes the difference.
And how can you afford to settle down
when I, I would promise you to love you now.
But I would lovingly let you down.

Oh, I have the hardest time resisting you.
And oh, if you, if you feel the same:
(WAIT) Then how can we be friends.
He's right you know, we can't go on like this.
And oh, I try to give you everything.
And if I fail well then i failed
but at least I gave you something.

It's better than silence
Gives me one good reason (you know)
So leave us in silence,
oh you don't have a good reason.

If you feel the same:
(WAIT) Then how can we be friends.
He's right you know, we can't go on like this.
And oh, I try to give you everything.
And if I fail well then i failed
but at least I gave you something.

(oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)
It's better than silence [x2]

putting my hands up and walking away. for a guy who claims to be so misunderstood you dont do SHIT about it.

i miss u!!! :'( (no, not YOU)

im investigation the study abroad program. im going. FUCK YA!!!!!!!! :D :D



p.s. thursday nite SUCKED.

amazing
wild
funny
sweet
adventurous
crazy
sexy
cool
perfect
(did i say amazing?!!) weekend!!!!

found a great new friend and had more fun than i can remember having in a long time. took a billion pics too. look for em later on the space or facebook. <3333333


ps. its hotter than an african slave ship outside... and i freakin love it.

"You say the sweetest things and I
Can't keep my heart from singing along to the sound of your song
My stupid feet keep moving to this 4/4 beat, I'm in time with you
Whoa, to this 4/4 beat I would die for you (die for you)

(Someone stop this)
I've gone to far to come back from here, but you don't have a clue
You don't know what you do to me

Won't someone stop this song, so I won't sing along
Someone stop this song, so I won't sing..

I never let love in so I could keep my heart from hurting
The longer that I live with this idea, the more I sink into this 4/4 beat
I'm in time with you
Whoa, to this 4/4 beat I would die for you (stop this song)

I've gone to far to come back from here, but you don't have a clue
You don't know what you do to me
I've come to far to get over you, and you don't have a clue
You don't know what you do to me

Can't someone stop this song, so I won't sing along
Someone stop this song, so I won't sing

Your lovesick melody is gonna get the best of me tonight
But you won't get to me if I don't sing

It creeps in like a spider
Can't be killed, although I try and try to
Well, don't you see I'm falling?
Don't wanna love you, but I

(Lovesick melody) Can someone stop this song, so I won't sing along?
(Lovesick melody) Can someone stop this song, so I won't sing?
Your lovesick melody is gonna get the best of me tonight
But you won't get to me, no
You won't get to me 'cause I won't sing"





sigh...


i got a new apt btw!!! im done with this freakin hell hole and my slut roomate. everythings slowly getting better. its amazing what a difference staying away from u does. i wrote u a huge letter spilling everything, and i dont even think im guna give it to u anymore. thank u greg. ur a freakin lifesaver. so excited for this weekend. i NEEEED relaxation. happy labor day!! ")



ps- once ur a whore ur nothing more, that'll never change.

"And you can take this however you want
Yeah you can take this however you want
Don't be so so sure this is all it adds up to....you
You're justified
But there's no justice if it's just a lie
No, go and find yourself
You will if you look inside
And I'll never know
(And you never will)
Still I'll never know
(And you won't until someone stands up
Then you'll get some answers)

And you can take this however you want
Yeah you can take this however you want
Just don't waste your breath unless you can save us
And tell me can you
Can you save us?
Can you save?
Can you save us?
This can't go on without the meaning in the rhyme
Can you save?
Can you save us?
I can't go on out of rhythm with our time
Can you save?
Can you save us?
I can't go on without the meaning in the rhyme
Can you save?
Can you save us?
I can't go on out of rhythm with our time

(Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops)
Tell me, Can you save us?
(They said we're wasting our lives)
Woa Woa Oh at least we know that if we died
(At least we know, that if we died, We lived with passion
They said we burned so bright)
They said we burned so bright, bright
(Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops)
(They said we're wasting our lives)

But we're not wasting our lives
(At least we know, that if we died)
(We lived with passion)
And if we die, oh maybe you, maybe you
(They said we burned so bright)
Oh maybe you can save us
(Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops)
(They said we're wasting our lives)
(Oh at least we know, that if we died, We lived with passion
They said we burned so bright)


(We run and we run)
(We know there's an answer
We know now but we had to find it by ourselves)

(We run and we run)
(We know there's an answer
We know now but we had to find it by ourselves)


When what you want is what you're getting
When want you want is what you're getting
(They're catching onto us)
When what you want is what you're getting
(They're catching onto us)
When what you want is what you're getting
(They're catching onto us)
When what you want is what you're getting
(They're catching onto us)
When what you want is what you're getting
(They're catching onto us)

(All you can do is pray)
When all
(When all you can do is hide)
(Don't be afraid)
(All you can do is pray)
When all
(All you can do is pray)
(Don't be afraid)
They're catching onto us
(All you can do is pray)
When all
(Don't be afraid)
(All you can do is pray)
(Don't be afraid)
(All you can do is pray)
(Don't be afraid)

Oh maybe you can save us
(All you can do is pray)
(Don't be afraid)
When all you can do is hide
(When all you can do is hide)
(Don't be afraid)

(We know there's an answer, we know now but we had to find it by ourselves)
(We know there's an answer, we know now but we had to find it by ourselves)"



best song by cartel by far.

im so depressed its insane right now. everything is not working out very well... and the shit with my dad made it like 35 times worse. i feel soo incredibly alone right now. mackenzie left for washington today for a couple weeks. so its just me and my pup holding down the fort for awhile. shes been whimpering all day. shes lonely and so am i. i stayed home all day today in bed. i rented like 5 movies and i just played them one after the other trying to get my mind off this bullshit. i go to bed depressed bc im sick of sleeping alone, i wake up depressed bc one im alone again and two bc lately ive been having dreams about him again. ive seen kyle a few times in the last week. hes with his gf from ny. i dont have feelings for him anymore, not like i ever really did in the first place. but that made me depressed as shit also. im jealous of everyone that has someone to be in love with. but mostly bc i was so terrible to him. i screwed him over like 4 times on different occasions bc jason and i kept breaking up and getting back together. it was like everytime he came back out here for spring break x mas break or summer j and i always seemed to have broken up. and although kyle never heard the full story (shit who would want to hear the saga of sum girls ex that you like? not like i really felt like i owed it to him anyways. we barely dated at one point and the rest was just casual friendship) but i still feel extremely guilty. i was such a terrible person to him all for jason. he would have been a great person for me to be with but ask me if i ever cared about that. my heart is torn in halves. not equally of course. the larger half still believing that jasons innocent and never back stabbed me, lied to me, cheated on me, etc etc etc. despite my GUT. and the other half trying NOT to believe that jason is in fact innocent despite my HEART. i have such mixed emotions. i want to start over completely. like go back 3 years and do everything over. i would do a million things different. starting with the day we first met. and ending with today. if only that was an option. if only. i made sure after wat happened with ian that id put my social life separate when really wat is a serious relationship if youre not involved in every aspect of eachother lives? god i envy mackenzie so much. i lied when i told people it was becase she never hangs out anymore. thats only like a very small part of it. im jealous as fuck. im sick with envy how they spend everysingle night with eachother and havent fought one single time. he happily partakes in her life and vice versa, even if it isnt their "thing". they are so in love, its hard for me to understand that. they are just so perfectly content with everylittle thing. i dont even remember wat that was like when we were dating. jesus. im so depressed. i wish so bad for him just to call me and be like "i will never meet a girl that ill be in love with more than you. lets take the good with the bad and work on it til the day we die, bc there is no one else that id rather end up next to". id be there in a milisecond. and i wouldnt give a fuck what anyone had to say about it. hah. fat chance chirsten. ill be 6 ft under before he ever says that to me. hes not even in love with me anymore. one of his friends told me that ahwile ago too. crushed me so bad. but i feel like its just a matter of days b4 i loose the last bit of sense and tell him that myself. its getting worse as the days go by. i look at my phone like 150 times a day hoping that hell text me. 99% of the time he doesnt. 70% of the time ill txt him anyways. and 100% of the time i get sad after our conversations no matter wat we talk about. i need therapy i kno. he says he wants to be friends but not enuff to make plans or to call me just to say wats up. its sick. i went months accepting the fact and actually being completely ok with us being broken up. as far as i was concerned i knew eventually id find love again. but that damn south carolina trip ruined fucking everything for me. and i dont even get wat made me change my mind. its like all of a sudden i change my mind and to this day cant stop thinking about being together again. its not healthy cuz im terrified im guna get hurt. hes guna start dating and im guna be stuck like staci a couple years later and still in love with him and unhappy. i saw mackenzies scrapbook shes making scott right now. made me think of mine that i started on jason. so i did the mistakeable thing and went to look at it. i barely started it, but i have sooo many things that i saved to put in it. my favorite thing are the notes he wrote when he sent me flowers a few times to my work. omg those were the days. we were so in love then. can u believe my ass that i actually started working on it again?? like i would actually be able to one day give it to him... i spent seriously a good hour on it just daydreaming in my head over the past. my head spins when i sit down and try to think about what went wrong and how we ended up here. its such a messed up story. ive said it a thousand times b4. i dont get like this over guys. i always had so much self control and was level headed and clear. with him i was a fucking mess. he got to me in all the right and wrong places. its mind blowing. i dont see how im meant to end up with anyone else at this point. we always said to eachtoehr "i wish wed met years from now". well we didnt. and my only answer to that is this: fate only brings you so far, after that the rest is up to you. shit sucks real bad right now. i wish he still had his livejournal so i could read his thoughts. maybe it would help me manage my emotions better. i wish i could just take out my brain sumtimes. blah. goal for the next few days: no more tears.

ugh. im torturing myself. i miss u so much. WHY?!?!? there is so much crap that is between us. feels almost irreparable. u and i have done and said so much messed up shit to eachother. so much that i actually hate that i still love you so much. i have this dwindled down hope, that well somehow end up together. its fucked up. and i cant even help it. i dont even want to feel like that anymore. why should i? ur not even sorry for anything that u did to me over the years and especially at the bitter end. shit u somehow still convince urself that u did nothing wrong!! being out here is fucking mind numbing torture. i think about you all the time. its like everything that i thought that i was over came flooding over me im almost drowning right now in all these emotions that i didnt think i had anymore. its overwhelming. i was running myself into the ground thelast month. just keeping really busy. i didnt have time to rest and stop and think about how much i was hurting. and it felt so good to be that happy. and i was soo excited. i thought i caught a break and finally got a grip that me and jason were and are not a good couple. psshh. well i finally stood still, this time for a whole fucking two weeks. and now i get to sit here everyday soaked in my thoughts of u. i either wish that i never met you or that i met you like next week or even next year and we would both be so much more mature and wed live happily ever after. but sadly, since niether are humanly possible, at moments like this i feel like id take it all back in a second.



im fucked. yep. royally. :'(

---------

i always needed time on my own
i never thought i'd need you
there when i cry
and the days feel like years
when i'm alone
and the bed where you lie is made
up on your side

when you walk away
i count the steps that you take
do you see how much i need you
right now?

when your gone
the peices of my heart are missing
you
when your gone
the face i came to know is missing
too
when your gone
all the words i need to hear to
always get me through
the day
and make it OK
i miss you
i've never felt this way before
everything that i do
reminds me of you
and the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
and they smell just like you
i love the things that you do
when you walk away
i count the steps you take
do you see how much i need you
right now?

when your gone
the peices of my heart are missing
you
when your gone
the face i came to know is missing
too
when your gone
the words i need to hear to always
get me throygh the day
make it OK
i miss you

we were made for each other
out here forever
i know we were
yeah yeah

all i ever wanted is for you to
know
everything i do i give my heart
and soul
i can hardly breathe,i need to
feel you here with me
yeah

when your gone
the peices of my heart are
missing you
when your gone
the face i came to know is
missing too
when your gone
the words i need to hear to
get me through
the day
and make it ok
i miss you

---------

woa its been so long since ive been on lj thats its all different now!! ive decided for probably the first time in almost three years to post one of those annoying posts about how much i fucking love my life. it feels so good to finally be over someone who used to make me feel so miserable and worthless half the time. i finally can sit back and not have this burning negativity and regret. i will always genuinely love jason, he taught me so much and was such a huge part of my life for so long. but i finally closed that chapter. its an amzing feeling, i feel like a new person. im so glad i live in hollywood now its made such a life improvement. ive met so many cool and great people in the last three months and its givin me so much opportunity and a new found drive. the days just fly by so fast because everyday gets better and better. i havent been this happy in so long. im so excited for the rest of the summer its guna be fucking amazing. i have so many new things to focus on and cant wait to add more! :) i cant wait for our cruise and the trip to havasu, to c my mom in a couple weeks, start school in the middle of july, and i joined this beach workout 12 week course that starts soon too!! its 3 days a week for 12 weeks on the beach. and its guna be televised on the real housewives of oc!! im totallly not excited about the nation seeing my out of shape ass get the shit kicked outta me but watev. lol ive been out dating and meeting new people and it feels so good to get some of my confidence back. i dont care anymore about walking on eggshells bc i was worried about his constant jugement. i am happy with the desicions im making and the people i surround myself with. i am a good person and have alot to offer. and although I'm eager to find someone to show that to, im content with focusing on my self and improving my life. i barely survived that relationship and i feel so relieved that i no longer want the things i used to want. it took so long for me to FINALLY see the light and just fucking let go!!! i want to thank all my friends who stuck it out with me. i would have never gotten thru it without u guys. :) im just so happy, its really cheesy. lol but it feels good to be back!! IM FREE!! haha <3

"I felt this way before
I fell right through the floor
And I am certain I've become
Broken, bruised, and numb
Would you restate your opinion
And hold back your investigation
Do you see the sins you're making
Cause I've made them all before

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
And my only hope
Is falling down

And by my own admission
You'll find that my condition
Is worse than you imagined
You're better off if you know
But every time before that I
Tried to measure pain inside
You can't ignore it

Right now I can't ignore it

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me

Inside of me (x7)
I'll take my heart
And rip my feelings out
Before they make me doubt
And I'll fall down with flames burning
Alive again
As long as you know that

I will now rise from the ashes
Don't call me pretentious
I'm sitting here making my own rules
And if I fall from the ceiling
You'll be down there waiting
To finish me
Finish me"

this is the song i just put on my myspace. i really fuckin like it. the lyrics dont really fit but if u guys get a chance listen to it, its one of those songs that u get hooked to after u first hear it.

im so fucking disgusted. i cnt believe this is who you turned out to be. for three years i refused to believe it. im so sickened that i no longer have words for you. you are one disturbing individual jason. thanks for curing my ridiculous obsession with love.


"I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
I hope when you’re in bed with her
you think of me
I would never wish bad things
But I don’t wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words
I never read your letter
Cause I knew what you’d say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try make it all okay

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks
to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again

If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife Oh, how cute
Ignorance is bliss
But when your day comes
And he’s through with you
And he’ll be through with you
You’ll die together, but alone
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn’t say it right to my face
Well, give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
bet it sucks to see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again


Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never!

Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
you knew
exactly what you would do
Don’t say
You simply lost your way
They may believe you
But I never will
I Never Will
I never will
Never again"

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A newer improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
no, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down, fold me in
deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
by you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
when I hear someone's taking my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't
(x2)


I break in two over you, oh
I break in two over you, over you
I break in two
I would break in two for you
Now you see me
Now you don't
Now you need me
Now you don't

DUI #2 for me. woo. and im not even 21, i fear for my life.


p.s. dont ever get arrested, county is a very VERY scary place.


p.p.s fuck the two nigger cops that arrested me. and all the fat ugly sorry sons of bitches that work there bc their life is so pathetic that theyd rather sit in a dirty whore house and make companions with felony and white trash inmates. u cn tell these were loserst of losers and the freaks of the freaks bc they ALL had these ginormous fat bodies with these even fatter triple chinned butter faces. my dogs shit looks better than they do. i could drool faster than it takes them to get out of a damn office chair. our security should not be focused on pulling over a white girl going 70 on the freeway. and should not waste jail space with a innocent white girl form agoura fucking hills with a bac lower than a retards gpa. they should be out picking up bums and prostitutes anddrug dealers and los angeles' entire population of illegal immigrants. its a waste of our fucking tax money in employing such slobs for cops and paying for teenagers to sit in prison cells for 12 hrs of complete bullshit. pigs: if ur guna arrest sumone for driving while drunk, MAKE SURE THEY ARE FUCKING DRUNK.



GO FUCK YOURSELVES

[diddy]
hey yo just turn me up
yo yo it's been a long time
(ya turn me up just a lil bit more)
I wanna make sure they can feel me
turn me up just a lil bit more
ya, like that

Can you feel me
Do that - do that - do it
Do that - do that - do it
Do that- do that- do it
Do that- do that- do it
Get on the dance floor
Can you feel me

Yeah yeah yeah
Lets play a game
lets pretend for a second
you don't know who I am
and what I do, lets just put it do the side
I can feel your heart beating
I can hear you breathing
Look into your eyes, try to see into your mind
See into your soul
See no limits, to the levels me and you can go
When it's me that is in control
But it's something 'bout you that make me wanna change
I like the way you dance and the way you play the game
I like the way you take away the pain
The way you tell me that you want it, not saying a thing
The way you got me going got me goin, out of my brain
See us going at it, goin in and out of them lanes
I don't want your innocence
I don't want you to stutter
I don't want a committment
And I don't want you to suffer
I don't want your number
Baby I want you to wonder
Want you to come up lookin like it's somethin you wanna

[christina]
Tell me
what you thinkin about when got me waiting patiently
Usually I don't have to wait for nobody
But there's somethin bout you that really got me feelin weak
And I'm tryin to find the words to speak

[chorus]
Boy I got my eyes on you
Tell me what you wanna do
I can picture you in my room
Until the mornin
I don't even know your name
Boy I need to know your name
I'm hopin that you feel the same
Tell me if you want it

I know you gonna like it (I know)
So tell me how you want it (tell me)
and you dont have to fight (you know)
cuz baby you're invited (baby)

I know you gonna like it (I know)
So tell me how you want it (tell me)
But you dont have to FIGHT it..you know
baby youre INVITED.. babe

Tell me ...

[diddy]
Ya dreams fulfilled, you rockin wit the best
Unforgivable, i'ma put ya limits to the test
You're pulsating, ya heart is beating out of your chest
You're hyperventilating, tryin to catch your breath (DONT STOP)
Im the first Im the next Im the end
Im the pulse and of course ill make ya my thing
Look how I approach you, look how I expose you
Look how Ive studied every move, now I know you
I don't wanna control you, I wanna console you
And do everything that I told you (I told you)
get high wit me, come touch the sky wit me
Fly wit me, see, like the new wiser me? (DONT STOP)

Im the dream, Im the one
Im the reason you come, Im a king
Im a hum, im a beast
Im the last thing your eyes see
the passion beside me is yours now come try me

[christina]
Tell me
what you thinkin about when your hands is all on me
Cuz I 've been thinking about all the possibilities
Ain't no other place that I really wanna be
cuz you swept me off my feet

[chorus]
Boy I got my eyes on you
Tell me what you wanna do
I can picture you in my room
Until the mornin
I don't even know your name
Boy I need to know your name
I'm hopin that you feel the same
Tell me if you want it

I know you gonna like it (I know)
So tell me how you want it (tell me)
and you dont have to fight (you know)
cuz baby you're invited (baby)
I know you gonna like it (I know)
So tell me how you want it (tell me)
But you dont have to FIGHT it..you know
baby youre INVITED.. babe

[christina again..]

Do that - do that - do it
Do that - do that - do it
Do that - do that - do it
Do that - do that - do it



ooo my life is always sooo crazy. not guna lie. starting to luv it <3

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!! FUCKING IDIOT!!!! HIGH FIVE CHRISTEN.

:/

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect a bit of hope
And while your outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
Its just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee



friends are all i need. and friends are what i got. :) happy hump day!!